This is the second story in the series. They say there is a thin line between love and
madness.This story explores the fact.
I hope u enjoy the story and do post your comments....

Memories of a Lost Night

There must have been times in your life when u felt anger, such unreasonable and uncontrollable anger that you wanted to destroy everything around you. I don’t get these kinds of feelings. It was one of the reasons why they selected me. They said I was an emotionally balanced person; not so long ago I used to believe that. Now, before I forget, let me tell you who I am. My name is NAMSSIN222901, Grade 8. I used to have a birth name like everyone else, but it was a long time ago. Now I am only a Grade 8 officer in the “Surveillance and Intelligence Network (SIN)” working with the department of “Nuclear Arms and Missiles Systems”. This is classified information and I am not supposed to tell u this. But it does not matter now, because tomorrow…. there will be no tomorrow.

I had already graduated from the high school, when I saw an ad by the army calling young men and women to join the army and serve the state. By the time, the physical tests in the army camp were over, I had the all too familiar feeling of being left behind. I completed the aptitude test and returned home. I had almost forgotten about this fiasco when I got a letter from the army. It said that I have been selected for the second round and my interview will be held in the NAMS block. I called them up to check if there was some mistake and the officer at the other end rudely replied that army personnel do not make mistakes and hung up. So when I reached this NAMS block, I was surprised to see only 20 people there. They all seemed nervous, so I guessed they must be here for the same interview. Soon we were joined by an officer, who said something about secret agencies, covert operations and spies. I inferred that he was talking about NAMS. By the time it was evening, we had gone through numerous tests. I was hoping that it would all end and I can go home. The officer who had given the introduction in the morning came back and announced that they had selected 4 people out of the 21. The first name that he called out was mine. That was the last time I heard someone call me by my birth name.

The 6 months training period that followed was rigorous. By the end of the term, I was NAMSSIN222901. The first four numbers denote the year of joining, 2229. The next two digits signify that I was ranked no.1 in my batch. At that time I was surprised by the result, but all along, they knew it would happen. Later I was to know that my ES (Emotional Stability) test score during the interview was a all time high in the history of NAMS. As a result, I was posted in Sector 3 of State Asia, which at the turn of the millennium was called Russia. They said it was a difficult job and they wanted the best for the job. I was pleased with my posting. But that was then, things have changed now. The long night is about to end now……

The shrill sound of the siren echoed through the compound. It indicated the start of the night shift. I could see day shift people going out. They waved each other goodbye. Of course, no one waved at me. I was not supposed to have any kind of social contact, they knew that and so they avoided me. These people were going home to sleep, sleep….. now it seems a strange and alien term. During the first week of training, we were given an injection. They told us that it was to help us remain alert at all times. That night I could not sleep, nor could any of my classmates. Later, we realized it was a sleep deprivation drug. Now, we are addicted to it. I already take 2 injections a week and I don’t sleep.

I have dreams though. Not the usual kind of sleeping dreams. I dream with my eyes open. I dream of a day, when I can go back home. But I am not supposed to dream. We were taught that dreams are a sign of emotional instability and we were taught to ignore dreams. They said we are to ignore our emotions; reason should be our only emotion. But I don’t follow reason now. I don’t care now…

As the night progressed, a feeling of uneasiness caught hold of me. They had said that it was 3 times more likely for the enemy to attack at night than at day, so I had long since associated night with danger. I was now staring at the RADAR intensely. Through the corner of my eyes, I could see the Green Button, which I was to use to inform the other stations, in case of an attack. Besides that was the Red Button. In ancient times, red was associated with danger. The tradition had continued to this day. Using the Red Button, I could launch a nuclear missile to anywhere in the world, anywhere….. and this was the Button, which made my job so important, so important that I had to stay here. I could never go home again……

There was another dream about which I did not tell you. It is not exactly a dream; it is more of a wish. Sometimes in the death of night, sitting in front of my computer watching the radar, I have this strong urge to press the Red Button. I know the consequences. Europe, aghast at our action, will join America. Together they will declare war on Asia, ignoring the desperate appeals of Asia that it was the work of one mad man. The State Africa will join us, there was some medieval agreement, which binds Africa to us. There will be major war, something like the World Wars of the medieval times, which was taught to us in schools. Only this times there will be no one left to read about this. The war will lead to the complete destruction of the 4 States. These are not my predictions. Our scientists, using some obscure maths, have come to a conclusion, along the same lines.

So you see, I have the power to destroy the world but I don’t have the power to just go home like the others. Soon it will be time for the night shift people to go home and I will be still here. There is no end to this madness. It goes on and on. People always go home and they are happy about it. And I just sit here, watching them leave. And then they reach home, and I am still here. They eat dinner cooked by the loving hands of their wife, and I am still hungry . They tuck their kids into bed and kiss them goodnight, and I am still lonely. They fall asleep in the arms of their wife, and I am still awake….. and I am still here.

My whole mind was screaming that it was not the right thing to do, but it does not matter, as long as they are asleep and I am awake.
I saw myself pressing the Red Button, sealing the fate of the world. With the sound of the morning siren, the cyanide tablet was starting to take effect and I was falling asleep and I was home….. at last I was home.

The End........

Note By The Author :

i would like to know if you find the stories too lenghty to be written in 1 post. Please include your suggestions regarding whether i should divide the stories into 2 parts on retain the existing format. Your comments will be greatly appreciated.